This post on how to be kind to yourself when you don’t like how you’re feeling is adapted from my upcoming book “How to Be Kind to Yourself: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Daily Challenges with Self-Compassion, Self-Acceptance, and Ease.” I’ll be sharing more details, including the release date, soon, so jump on the Becoming Who You Are mailing list to be the first to hear more about it (you’ll also get free access to all the worksheets, ebooks, video classes and more in the Becoming Who You Are Library and are free to unsubscribe at any time).
Although we all know we should accept our feelings, sometimes that’s easier said than done. Our emotions can be deeply uncomfortable, even akin to physical pain. In those moments, it’s tempting to want to push them down, numb them, and do whatever we can to not have to feel this way.
It might be a cold comfort in the moment, but take heart from the fact that if you’re feeling down, then you’re feeling. We can’t choose our emotional experiences. As Brené Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” If we allow ourselves to feel the lows, we also open ourselves up to feel higher highs too.
As I mention in How to Be Kind to Yourself, we are not our feelings. When we think or say things to ourselves like “I am sad,” “I am angry,” or “I am lonely,” we are more likely to self-identify with those feelings. A more accurate way of describing our experience is to say “I feel sad,” “I feel angry,” or “I feel lonely”. Feelings are transitory, they don’t define us. When we use “I feel…” instead of “I am…,” we’re still acknowledging the feeling, but we’re not labeling ourselves into an identity that is only a fraction of who we are and what we feel.
Feelings are not states of being; rather they come and go in waves. They’re in constant flux and are temporary at their core. When we’re in the middle of a low period, it can sometimes feel like it won’t end. We fear being trapped, feeling this way forever. I used to avoid so-called bad feelings for fear of being swallowed up by them. But if we allow ourselves to feel feelings, however strong, the act of letting them wash over us usually lessens their intensity. Trying to avoid them has the opposite effect.
Our feelings will lift. Sometimes it’s so imperceptible we don’t realize it’s happened until later. But it will come. And if it doesn’t? Our emotions are here to tell us something. They’re rich with information from the past and the present. Perhaps your emotions are telling you it’s time for some extra support. Perhaps they are highlighting something that needs to change. Maybe they are pointing to an unmet need, maybe all the above.
Every emotion is acceptable. Yes, our culture has ideas about how certain feelings are bad, even wrong, but as you’ll discover in the book, this isn’t true: feelings in themselves aren’t right or wrong, they just are. It’s what we do with them and how we respond to them that counts. So welcome them to join you as temporary companions on your journey. Don’t let them take the wheel, but don’t shove them back into the trunk, either. Instead, allow them to be a passenger as you travel to your next destination.
