This post on how to be kind to yourself when bad things happen is adapted from my new book “How to Be Kind to Yourself: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Daily Challenges with Self-Compassion, Self-Acceptance, and Ease,” which is available now! Find out more and get your copy here.
One of the chapters in my new book, How to Be Kind to Yourself, is about self-compassion when bad things happen. When writing this chapter, I wanted to offer suggestions that went beyond “Stay positive!” while also acknowledging that I am one person writing this from my perspective. I don’t know what you’re going through, what “bad things” might look like to you, nor do I assume that I can provide the one piece of advice that will fix things—that probably doesn’t exist. For the purpose of this blog post, I’m sharing a section from this chapter that I’ve personally found incredibly helpful that’s antithetical to a lot of personal growth-related advice:
You don’t have to feel your feelings 100% of the time, especially if it’s overwhelming or becoming too much and you also need to function in the world. You are allowed to distract yourself, to switch off, and to do things that will lessen the intensity for a while if it feels too much. As psychotherapist Seerut K. Chawla points out, forcing ourselves to feel feelings we’re not ready to feel is akin to repeatedly poking a bruise. It won’t help us heal: “Sometimes healing means knowing to leave some things alone.”
This is not the same as avoiding feelings. You’re not taking a blanket approach to dismiss every feeling you experience. Rather, you’re taking care of your own wellbeing in the face of challenging or overwhelming emotions. Avoiding feelings often looks like channeling that energy into activities that aren’t good for us or don’t support our future wellbeing (in my book From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care Into a Way of Life I talk more about coping mechanisms and the alternatives to them). Everyone responds differently to difficult situations and challenging circumstances. There is no prescriptive approach that will be right for everyone. But, if you have been pushing yourself to sit with big feelings and it’s not helping, what would happen if you backed off for a while?
As the saying goes, if trying harder isn’t working, maybe it’s time to try softer.
Photo by Jess Zoerb and Nathan Lemon on Unsplash
