One of the most common pieces of advice we hear in life is “just be yourself”. When we don’t know what that looks like, however, that advice can be more frustrating than helpful! In this week’s post, I want to unpack a few practical suggestions on how to become who you are and live with greater authenticity
The post is an excerpt from a video class I recorded a few years ago for the En*theos Academy, in which I shared 10 big ideas that will bring you closer to becoming who you are and enable you to show up in the world as your brightest, boldest, most authentic self. The academy is no longer running, but if you’re a member of the Becoming Who You Are community, you can watch the whole video class, plus download the written notes to go with it from the video class section of the Library 🙂
1. Get clear on your values
Our values are a manifestation of our beliefs about ourselves and the world, plus our priorities in life. We all have a set of internal values that we’re working with, whether we’re consciously aware of them or not. When we live in alignment with our values, we feel a deep sense of satisfaction, wholeness, and fulfilment. When we don’t, we feel dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and unhappy.
When we’re conscious of them, our values become a map, pointing us towards the qualities that are most important for us to embody and to have embodied in our external environment. They help us make decisions that reflect our priorities and purpose and to create a life that is authentic to us.
To get clear on your values, start by sourcing a list of values (you can find a free workbook called Discover Your Values that will help you do this in the Becoming Who You Are Library ) and mark the words that most resonate with you. Narrow down this list to your top 10 values, your top five, then your top three.
2. Define your boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible lines that indicate what we will and won’t allow in our lives. To become who we are, we need to be conscious of two types of boundaries: boundaries with other people and boundaries with ourselves.
Boundaries with other people help us define where we end and other people begin. They help us live life according to our needs, values, and preferences, rather than according to other people’s, and create an environment around us that feels safe. Healthy boundaries with ourselves help us behave intentionally, manage how we spend our time, and make sure we’re meeting our key needs.
Both types of boundaries are equally important for our authenticity and defining them is a life-long process. The first step is to develop your self-awareness around times when it feels like when your boundaries are crossed. Notice when you feel anger, either at yourself or at other people—what is the message behind this emotion? Notice when you want to blame other people for your circumstances or when you feel like a victim—what responsibility can you take?
3. Get to know your inner committee
As a culture, we tend to think of personality as a single entity, however our personality is made up of many different “parts” that shape our feelings and behaviours. As the poet Walt Whitman famously wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes”—and so do we.
An important part of becoming who we are is getting to know our “inner committee”. This includes the parts of ourselves that we find hard to accept, such as our inner critic, as well as the parts we like.
A great tool for getting acquainted with your internal dialogue is journaling. All parts of us are trying to protect us in their own way and journaling can help us explore how to have a constructive relationship with ourselves. The next time you experience an internal conflict, pay attention to what both sides are saying and write out the different parts of the conflict like a play or movie script. Eventually, you’ll start to recognise these different parts in real time and become a more effective mediator.
When we start to really listen to these parts of ourselves, we experience less internal conflict, we become more effective at meeting our own needs, and we show up with more authenticity.
4. Prioritise self-compassion over self-esteem
Most of us are raised to believe it’s important to have high self-esteem. According to professor and author Kristin Neff, however, the true ingredient for satisfaction is actually self-compassion.
Whereas self-esteem is self-evaluation based on what we do and achieve, self-compassion is based on the idea that we are all human and worthy of compassion, whether or not we have a particular job, salary, waist size, or other external attribute.
When we prioritise self-compassion over self-esteem, we’re far more likely to be authentic. When we can accept and show compassion towards ourselves, we rely less on validation from other people. This acceptance allows us to embrace our feelings and needs, take reasonable risks, deal with with life’s uncertainties, and show up as our true selves.
5. Make comparison work for you
As humans, we’re wired for comparison; for most of human history we’ve needed to be part of a group to survive. Although a sense of belonging and acceptance is no longer a physical life or death situation, we still experience that drive to close the gap between where we are and where we perceive the people around us to be.
The fact that we compare ourselves with other people doesn’t matter as much as what we do with those comparisons. When we compare ourselves to people who are a few steps ahead of us in life, we have two choices. We can choose to beat ourselves up, wishing we were more like this person or that person, wonder what’s wrong with us, and question our worth.
Alternatively, we can acknowledge that when we compare ourselves to others, it’s usually because they have something in their lives that we want more of in ours. Once we acknowledge this, we can work out what those needs and desires are and start working towards fulfilling them ourselves.
Want more practical suggestions about how to become who you are? Check out the full video class and the accompanying written notes in the Becoming Who You Are Library. You’ll also get access to free workbooks, audios, and video classes on personal growth, self-awareness and living a meaningful life.
Photo by Sharon Pittaway on Unsplash
