This post on how to change your mindset is adapted from my upcoming book “How to Be Kind to Yourself: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Daily Challenges with Self-Compassion, Self-Acceptance, and Ease.” The book is out on Monday 25th July, so jump on the Becoming Who You Are mailing list to be the first to hear more about it (you’ll also get free access to all the worksheets, ebooks, video classes and more in the Becoming Who You Are Library and are free to unsubscribe at any time).
When I worked with coaching clients, one of the most common issues that would come up was a version of: “I want to do {insert thing here}, but I’m finding it hard to get motivated/I don’t feel ready/I don’t feel confident.” The specifics varied, but the basic problem was “I want to do X, but I don’t feel Y.” This problem is compounded by a cultural focus on motivation, confidence, and having the right mindset. If only you can change your mindset, the promise goes, then the action will flow.
In reality, it’s the other way around. Research has shown that usually attitudes follow behaviour, they aren’t the cause of it. The same goes for mindset-related experiences and emotions. Confidence comes from action, motivation comes from consistency.
The idea that we need to feel confident before we can do that thing we really want to do is a clever justification for staying comfortable and avoiding the hard feelings that come with stepping outside what’s familiar. The first step is to try something, anything; avoidance will suck any confidence we have dry. It’s easy to overthink this step, to want to make sure we’re focusing on the “right” action, and to get stuck in analysis paralysis, second-guessing ourselves without ever actually doing anything. But this stage is really about experimentation. Take the pressure off, give yourself a free pass to choose the “wrong” action, and just do something.
The reason taking action on something—anything—is important is because it brings us to the next step, which is clarity. Clarity comes when we get feedback from our actions. That feedback might be, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe I’m on to something here!” It might also be, “Oops, guess that didn’t go so well…” Whatever the outcome is, your action will lead you to a sense of what’s right for you and what’s not right for you, what works and what doesn’t. The more you try, the more clarity you will get, and the deeper your confidence will become.
Yes, motivation makes taking action easier and more comfortable, but it’s not required. In reality, it works the other way around. The more we take action, the more motivated we’ll feel to take action, and the stronger this virtuous circle will become.
Begin with the idea that you are in control and forget most of what you’ve been taught about motivation. Motivation can feel like a powerful, omnipotent force, but it’s just a feeling. And we are more than our feelings. Whatever you want to do, it’s within your power to do that—motivation or no motivation.
Changing our behaviour would be much easier if we could click our fingers and magic the mindset we need, but that rarely happens—if ever. Instead of trying to change your mindset, try acknowledging that you don’t need to feel a certain way to get started, that you can do the hard thing anyway, and begin.
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash
