This post on bounce back/bounce forward is adapted from my upcoming book “How to Be Kind to Yourself: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Daily Challenges with Self-Compassion, Self-Acceptance, and Ease.” I’ll be sharing more details, including the release date, soon, so jump on the Becoming Who You Are mailing list to be the first to hear more about it (you’ll also get free access to all the worksheets, ebooks, video classes and more in the Becoming Who You Are Library and are free to unsubscribe at any time).
From grief, to illness, to post-partum bodies, chances are you’ve heard someone—or yourself—talking about “bouncing back.” This well-meaning phrase is meant to evoke a springy optimism that the situation will return to the normal you once knew. Yes, things might not be how you want them to be right now (in fact, they might be devastating, uncertain, unwanted) and you might be mourning the loss of what is familiar and comfortable, but stay chipper. You will bounce back. It will bounce back. Everything will bounce back!
Except we (it/everything) don’t (doesn’t), not like the phrase promises. Yes, grief can ease in intensity over time, becoming something that feels softer and changed—but rarely does it disappear altogether. We might recover from a serious illness or accident, but we might also have lingering symptoms now live with. Even if we make a full physical recovery, we can’t go back to being a person who hasn’t experienced those things. And anyone who has had one or more children knows: your body won’t be the same. Nothing will be the same! Bouncing back isn’t an option.
In his book The Happiness Advantage, psychologist Shawn Achor talks about shifting our perspective. Rather than bouncing back from challenging or adverse situations, we want to focus on bouncing forward. The phrase “bouncing back” suggests we (and life) will return to being just as it was before the transition happened. But, if we’re open to it, most transitions give us experience, new perspective, understanding, and resilience. I’ve found I have a more positive (or at least bearable) experience of challenging situations when I focus on what I can learn and how I can grow from them. This isn’t about spiritual bypassing: adopting the attitude of bouncing forward doesn’t mean I have to like, welcome, or feel happy about the transition. Sweeping your true feelings about a situation under the psychological rug isn’t helpful or healthy. But you can acknowledge a situation is hard and not one you would have chosen while also being aware of how you have survived, changed, and bounced forward. It’s difficult, destabilising, even unbearable, and also an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how capable you are.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
