We’ve all heard the advice to stop using the word “should” (heck, I’ve written about it). After all, “should” is a bad word, right? It has a disapproving energy laden with obligation that often ends up provoking guilt, rather than motivation. Sometimes our “should”s aren’t ours at all. Instead, they are things we’ve picked up from our past, society, and outdated or unhelpful beliefs about ourselves and the world.
Sometimes, however, underneath a “should” is a desire, a sense of urgency that arises because we want this thing. We know deep down that it would be a meaningful experience or achievement, that it would increase our confidence and our sense of being able to do hard things. We know it would generate a welcome emotional experience, help us feel capable, fulfilled, or any number of other ways we want to feel about ourselves. But, for whatever reason, we’re experiencing resistance and we’re not doing it.
This desire and urge to grow or change isn’t something we should stifle just because it comes after the word “should.” It’s a tragedy to overlook our natural desire for growth and evolution just because we don’t have the verbal tools or right vocabulary to communicate with ourselves about it in a constructive and self-compassionate way.
In her excellent book The Anxiety Toolkit, Alice Boyes recommends making a simple yet effective change to transform the energy behind this piece of self-talk: instead of “I should,” say “I would prefer to” (if that is true).
“I should go to the gym more,” becomes “I would prefer to go to the gym more.”
“I should be further along in my career,” becomes “I would prefer to be further along in my career.”
“I should have started this project weeks ago,” becomes “I would prefer to have started this project weeks ago.”
It also works in the negative:
“I shouldn’t have spent so much last month,” becomes “I would prefer not to have spent so much last month.”
“I shouldn’t have said that,” becomes “I would prefer not to have said that.”
“I shouldn’t keep dating emotionally unavailable people,” becomes “I would prefer not to keep dating emotionally unavailable people.” (Anyone else find this last one kind of funny to say? Because who wouldn’t prefer that?! Here lies the beauty of this shift: it turns self-blame into something more light-hearted that maybe even produces a smile.)
As Alice explains, “should” is a self-criticism that can easily lead to rumination, which keeps us paralysed rather than doing something to change whatever we are should-ing ourselves about. Softening the “should” to “I would prefer to” or “I would prefer not to” adds a degree of compassion that can help take us out of the self-criticism and rumination cycle and move us forward into action. This small shift also honours our desire for growth, something I think often gets lost in the less nuanced talk around self-acceptance. Yes, self-acceptance is helpful and mentally punishing ourselves into making changes is not. But, counter-intuitively, a crucial part of self-acceptance is acknowledging when we want to change things about ourselves or our situation. Our desire for change is just as valid and worthy of acceptance as our desire to enjoy who we are right now.
One important note: “Would prefer to” works if it’s true. This isn’t about trying to verbally manoeuvre ourselves into something that isn’t right for us. If you say “I would prefer to X” and find yourself thinking “Actually I wouldn’t…” that’s useful information too!
Photos by Vince Fleming and Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
