This post is adapted from my upcoming book “How to Be Kind to Yourself: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Daily Challenges with Self-Compassion, Self-Acceptance, and Ease.” I’ll be sharing more details, including the release date, soon, so jump on the Becoming Who You Are mailing list to be the first to hear more about it (you’ll also get free access to all the worksheets, ebooks, video classes and more in the Becoming Who You Are Library and are free to unsubscribe at any time).
Like most personal growth-related topics, the subject of self-worth is much discussed because it’s important. When we are lacking self-worth, we feel it. This lack influences not only our self-perception but our decisions and behaviour too. Yet this topic is also more nuanced and complex than social media posts that read “You are worthy!” and the like make it out to be. I don’t know about you, but reading I am enough just as I am, I don’t need to prove my worthiness, etc., doesn’t fundamentally change the way I feel about myself. When we are struggling with low self-worth, those kinds of words feel hollow, a Band-Aid for a much deeper wound.
What we do and who we are (and whether those things match up to our values and our sense of who we should be) matter. These things do influence our sense of self-worth and we do ourselves a disservice when we pretend they don’t. But, on the other end of the scale, we can take this too far and treat our self-worth like a condition, something we will have when we do or achieve X, Y, or Z.
But what if, instead of being the result of something, self-worth was the starting point?
Self-worth as a value, not a condition
Somewhat counterintuitively, deepening our sense of self-worth becomes easier when we hold self-worth as a value, not as the result of something conditional. When we start by holding our sense of self-worth as one of our most important values, it becomes the starting point, not the result we are perpetually striving for. We already acknowledge the importance of self-worth, not because someone told us to or because we think we should, but because it means something to us and we care about it. We do the things we want to do because we honor and value our self-worth, not because we’re trying to earn it.
The things we do because we value our self-worth might be similar, but the energy behind them is quite different. It’s the difference between seeking growth (starting from a place of having self-worth as a key value) versus avoiding pain (in this case, the pain of not feeling worthy).
What would change for you if you viewed self-worth as a value, rather than a condition?
Photo by Girl with red hat on Unsplash
