The idea that we can choose to be happy is pervasive in the personal growth world. And it’s always left me feeling a little uncomfortable because, as lovely as it would be to flick an internal switch and ta-da! Happiness, it’s not reflective of my experience—nor that of most people I know.
For a while now, I’ve had this quote from Dani DiPirro bookmarked to share. It summarises what feels a bit off about the idea happiness is simply a choice, and that’s what I want to talk about in this post.
We can’t choose to be happy…
We can’t choose how we feel. Our emotions are a result of a myriad of things, including energy levels, brain chemistry, hormones, and more. We can do things that have an effect on our mood and emotions, but we can’t completely control them. If we could all simply choose to be happy, most of us would be already.
More troublingly, the subtext of this kind of statement is that if you’re not happy, it’s your fault. You’re making the wrong choice. This is self-help gone bad. Something that is meant to be inspirational and empowering, when you flip it over and look underneath, ends up being unhelpful, even shaming.
The idea we can all be happy if we just choose to be overlooks the fact that, for some of us, happiness is hard. It takes work. It takes time. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time. It takes support, maybe therapy. Putting in the work, practising patience, seeking support, finding the right therapist—those things are all choices. But the outcome? That’s not something we have power over.
…But we can choose to practice optimism
What we can control is how we talk to ourselves about the current situation we’re in. Whether our internal narrative is helpful or not. Whether we’re building ourselves up or tearing ourselves down. Whether we’re looking for the glimmer of light, or focusing purely on the darkness.
This is where optimism comes in.
Optimism (or positivity) is telling ourselves that this too shall pass. It’s reminding ourselves of the times when we’ve felt happy in the past. It’s figuring out what made those times happy and trying to introduce more of that into our current lives. It’s reminding ourselves that, as Brené Brown says, by allowing ourselves to feel not-so-comfortable feelings, we are opening ourselves up to feelings like joy and excitement in the future too. It’s noticing a story we’re telling ourselves about how we’re rubbish at A, or failing at B, stopping that narrative and questioning it. It’s assuming the best—of ourselves and others.
Every day, we have tiny opportunities to practice optimism, tiny opportunities that build on each other. Practising optimism isn’t spiritual bypassing, rather it’s about focusing on the hopeful parts of a particular situation or experience.
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve found the choice hasn’t been whether to be happy, it’s been to keep hoping and trusting that happiness is possible again. That’s optimism.
